Wedding Jokes

The almighty dollar
A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.
Ohhh, it's my girlfriend."
"What's the problem?"
"When I asked her if she could learn to love me, she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education."

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

SON: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
FATHER: "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

After the wedding, the bride's dad took a taxi to bankruptcy court. As he got out he said to the driver, "You might as well come too."

On a calling card (presented to guests at the reception) I am the Father of the Bride. Nobody's paying much attention to me today, but I can assure you, that I am getting my share of attention. A bank and serveral business firms are watching me very closely.

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, you wouldn't be here."

Maybe you heard about the man whose credit card was stolen but decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?"
"A multi-millionaire."

The woman was happily showing off her new mink coat. "It was nice of your husband to buy you that fur coat," said a friend.
"He had to," explained the woman. "I caught him kissing the maid........."
"Oh, how dreadful...." replied the friend,sympathetically. "Well, did you fire her?"
"Certainly not! I still need a new hat!!"

A man approaches his best friend's wife one day when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.
"No. My husband wouldn't approve."
"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"
"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."
So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do whatever it was they did(!!!).
In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught: "Was my best friend here today?"
"Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern.
"And did he leave $1000?"
"Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst.
"Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"

An old guy and his son had a one-mule farm where they eked out a living. One day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000. He rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home, where he told his father the good news, and handed him $50 bill.
The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know. I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford a license to legally marry your Ma."
"Pa!" the son exclaims, "do you know what that makes me?"
"Sure do," said the old guy fingering the fifty-dollar bill. "And a damn cheap one, too."

$100 Tattoo
A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a tattoo of a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now." So the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis.So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tatoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.
So, the man consents and offers three reasons. "First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it."