Quotes

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneris

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
-- Carol Leifer

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
-- Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
-- Jay Leno

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
-- Roger Simon

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
-- Billiam Coronel

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
-- Oscar Wilde

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
-- Dave Barry

Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while.
-- Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
-- A. Whitney Brown

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
-- Jim Carrey

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
-- Paula Poundstone

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
--Jeff Stilson

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
-- Sue Murphy

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
-- Lily Tomlin

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
-- Rita Rudner

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. -- Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
-- Lynda Montgomery

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?
-- Marilyn Pittman

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
-- Lily Tomlin

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
-- Robin Williams

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
-- Jerry Seinfeld